Forgiving God

Trusting in God. Very hard to do. When I was first challenged to trust God, I questioned whether He even knew I existed. I felt like He was sitting there on His throne, thinking, “where is she? I know I created this person, but I must have misplaced her. Hmm, I wonder where she is?” God just didn't seem to be there whenever I needed Him most. The revelation of His faithfulness came when I realized the truth of Joshua 1:5—“I will never leave you nor forsake you.” I had been living my life projecting onto God the relationship I’d had with my earthly father (stepfather) whom I felt really didn’t care about me. I didn’t matter to him. So in trying to relate to my heavenly Father, He was doing what father’s do—not caring about me. The truth of Joshua 1:5 has grown stronger over the years, and I rely on it now when I feel abandoned.

But for a long time, when I tried to trust Him for really big things, like my future, there was always a little nagging in me “What if He doesn’t come through? What if nothing happens? Then what am I going to do?” and it would lead me to develop a Plan B in case God didn’t help me.

“Okay, now there’s something wrong here,” I thought. As fervently and intensely as I would choose to trust God, sooner or later, that trust would fade, and I would be back to questioning His ability or desire to protect or help me. And it finally dawned on me--my mind trusts Him, but my heart doesn’t. My heart is still expecting to be abandoned even though my mind knows that will never happen. As crazy as it sounds, I needed to forgive God for all those times in my life when I felt He wasn’t there, that He didn’t protect or rescue me. I had to actually say the words, “God, I forgive you for not protecting me or being there for me.” And then immediately I asked Him to forgive me for ever doubting Him. I think we're square now. No more Plan B's. Scary but He'll do what I need.