At times navigating this life can be a difficult climb. Sometimes all we need are small anchor points to grab onto, just enough of an edge to give us the grip we need to lift ourselves up and keep going.  5 Minute Therapy is a book of short, but significant, mental and emotional support points that we can anchor ourselves onto as we journey through self-development and improvement. 

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My Reality, Your Reality

 

It’s in our nature to think that reality is only one thing. That it’s synonymous with truth. That reality is what really happened. Unfortunately, there are as many realities as there are participants in an event. 

 

When my son, John, was five years old, we lived on the first floor of the landlord’s house, they lived on the second floor. The house was on an embankment with a flight of concrete steps that went down to the street. Landlady and I were standing outside one day, chatting while John was playing with his tractors and cars on the stone patio. 

 

All of a sudden, I heard John let out a cry. I turn to look and he was rolling down the steps, flipping round and round towards the bottom. “Oh my God,” I cried out and raced down the stairs to catch him. I got to the bottom about the same time he did. He was crying, probably more out of fear than pain. I hugged him, checked him over for cuts or bruises but didn’t see anything.  In time he calmed down and went back to playing. The incident receded into memory with all the other scrapes and bruises of childhood.

 

One day, when he was about twenty five, we were talking about that house and the landlady and some of the memories from that time. He said to me, “Remember when I fell down those stairs? All I could think of was why you don’t come and stop me. Every time I rolled, I’d see you still standing at the top of the stairs, I couldn’t understand why you didn’t try to help me.”

 

When he told me that, I was flabbergasted. My memory of the incident was standing at the top of the stairs chatting one second and seeing my son rolling down the steps the next. I couldn’t get to him fast enough.

 

His reality--my mother doesn’t care, she’s just standing there while I’m rolling over and over and she doesn’t want to save me. My reality--Oh God, my son! He’s falling down the stairs and I can’t stop him. 

 

Everything that happens in relationships, in conversations has a different reality to every person involved. It’s important that we be mindful of that. When there is a disagreement over something, it’s important to ask, “Well, what do you feel happened?” or “What did you hear?”

Doing so just might shed some light on something you didn’t know about the other person because you were so focused on them hearing and understanding you. Don’t feel bad, that’s what they’re doing too, focusing on you understanding them. But somehow the stalemate has to be broken. I’m not going to believe you’re right because I know what I saw/heard. And you’re not going to believe me because you know what you saw/heard. I have my reality, you have yours. 

 

Let’s break the stalemate. Tell me your perception, your reality, and then listen to mine. It isn’t about one person has to be right and the other wrong. It’s about understanding why each person sees things the way they do. 

 

I still feel I was completely shocked and taken by surprise when my son went down the stairs and I couldn’t get to him as fast as I needed to. He still feels that I just stood there, watching him while he rolled away. But at least now I can see why he felt that way. And he understands how fast something unexpected can happen to your child.