Forgiveness

This is a tough one. Kind of goes along with the Shit Story. How on earth do you honestly forgive people for some of the shit they've done? I get it. Some of the things that happen are almost unforgiveable. Well, there's a reason we have to forgive them anyway. YOU are that reason. Forgiveness isn't about the offender. It's about you, the one they hurt. Let me digress into an illustrative story.

Suppose you and I are friends. I'm dong okay, I've got a good job, have some money left over the day before payday. I'm far from rich but I've got enough. You, on the other hand, struggle a lot. Your wife left you. You just lost your job. Life is a real struggle. Then one day you ask me if you can borrow my car for a job interview. "Sure," I say. I want to help you, of course. I know you're trying to make things better. You borrow my little Honda Civic. Two hours later, I get a call from you. You crashed my car. You were trying to change stations on the radio and rear ended the garbage truck in front of you. My car is totaled. I only had liability since it's paid off so insurance won't pay for squat. I'm without a car now. I'll have to ride the bus to work. You seem genuinely remorseful, you try to comfort me, you apologize, you're sorry. You offer to pay for it. As soon as you get a job, you'll start paying me back. I tell you my car has a Blue Book value of $10,000. No problem, you'll pay it back. You feel so bad about my car.

Well, two weeks later you do get a job. At McDonald's. You can start paying me now, you say. After your rent and groceries and other incidentals, how about fifty dollars a month? And if you get a raise, you'll pay more. Let's see--$10,000 divided by $50 a month comes out to 200 months which is.....OVER 16 YEARS! Are you kidding me!?! I don't speak to you for a few days because that pisses me very off. Sixteen years! Well, maybe you'll get a better job and can pay more. I decide to go along with it. I feel you need to learn a lesson here. So I tell you, okay but as soon as you get an increase in pay or a better job, you pay me more.

For three months I get my fifty dollars on the first. Then you miss one month. I call you. "Hey, man," you say. "I'm sorry. My wife moved back in and I had to take my kid to the doctor. But I'll make it up, I'll pay you double next month. I promise." Next month, nothing. I call. Something else came up but you haven't forgotten. This goes on for two or three more months. In spite of my calling and reminding you, you might pay me, you might not. It's beginning to eat me up. I'm hoping you're not being irresponsible, I'm hoping you really understand and feel bad for the position your recklessness has put me in.

Then one day I run into you at Walmart. You act kind of embarassed. Then I look at your grocery cart. Beer, steaks, chips, all the makings of a barbecue party. I look at you, look at the cart. As much as I'd like to lay you out, I turn and walk away. All these months, I've been struggling . Trying to save for another car. Riding the bus. And here you are using several months worth of MY payments to party. I'm furious. I feel like an idiot. Here I trusted you and you pull this. For the next few days, I hope something horrible happens to you. I hope you get what you've done to me. But I don't hear from you. Nothing. No apology for upendinng my life by wrecking my car, for missing all those payents, no apology for getting on with your life when your actions put a serious dent in mine. It eats me up.

Let's leave the story there because how to get to the next part is different for everybody. Forgiveness. I forgive you. It doesn't mean I'm okay with what you did or I agree with you. Or even that I'll still be your friend. Forgiveness means I'm no longer going to seek repayment. I'm no longer going to expect you to pay me back. It's destroying my life knowing you aren't paying for what you did to me. So I forgive you. The debt is still there. My car is still wrecked. You still owe me $10,000. But, you know what? You don't have to pay me. I free myself of expecting anything from you. I tear the bill up. You owe me nothing. I'm free. You're not, the bill is still unpaid. But I no longer worry about getting paybacks.

Now, I realize forgiveness of a money debt is a whole lot easier than forgiving something like betrayal or abandonment or abuse. But how can we put a price on those things? Someone might say, "I just want him to admit what he did." Okay, and if he does, you can work it out. But maybe he'll say it was your fault, or someone made him do it. Chances, are the kind of person who would cause that kind of hurt wouldn't ask for forgiveness. And you'd be left holding the hurt. Forgive them and set yourself free.